It's the truth. I feel fulfilled when I'm busy, even if the things I'm busy with aren't of vital importance. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm more happy with being busy or appearing to be busy in front of others. There's been times I've pulled up a fancy calendar app right as a friend walked up or a set a notepad filled with notes out on my desk to mantain the appearance of being someone who "has a life." I realize that having a calender that's full or a notepad that's well worn shouldn't affect how others view me but all the same I've occasionally found myself throwing out a nonchalant "you have no idea" when someone asks me how my week went. Truthfully, being busy is something I respect. If soneone is busy and still able to mantain their cool when confronted with just that one more thing on their plate, I see that as strength, determination, or even purpose. Maybe that's why I always want to be more occupied with a task than I really am, or more involved with a project than I should be. At some point I have to ask myself, "where do I stop?" At what point will I be satasfied? The answer: I won't, Unless I look at who I am, and decide that I'm going to be content.
The question then becomes "How can I be content with who I am?" I believe I've found the answer, or part of it at least. The times that I feel the most content, both with who I am and my purpose here, have been the times I've been closest to God. When I begin to see him in little things in life, that's when I get a feeling of contentedness I get from no where else. To see the simple beauty of water droplets on a leaf, or feel happiness amidst waves of confusion and doubt all around me. I live for those moments. I feel at peace. I can't say I always feel that peace, but when I do, I praise God for his role (rather large role) in my life.