Moving on. A difficult thing to do. For the past three years, I have lived comfortably in my family's home, working on a degree online, and generally enjoying myself. Now, that degree is finished. The future has always seemed like exactly that... the future. Some distant place that would occur someday. Not to say that I didn't wish for it. My entire life I've pushed to be older, wiser, respected, and known. The truth of the matter is that for all my wishing, all my yearning for a day that would come down the road, now that the day is fast approaching, I am full of fear.
Fear not of where I am headed, rather the path I will take to get there. I have been blessed personally in that I know the general direction I am headed. I feel a tremendous calling, a tremendous belonging when I am involved with ministry, when I am allowing God to work through me. No doubt exists in me that this isn't where I am headed, the problem occurs when I realize the journey it will take to get me there. Thus far, I have walked slowly along my path with my friends, my family, my comfort. Now I am forced to take into account that as I continue on, I will be doing so alone. I will meet others along the way, I will gain companions, I know this, but I am still fearful.
The fear is irrational. In my head, I know that the same God who gives me purpose, belonging, and freedom will walk down this path with me side by side. He will be there in the difficult times, the good times, and the times when I cannot continue on my own. This comforts me to think about. Nevertheless, my heart is still full of anxiety. Perhaps this is growing up, perhaps just part of becoming an adult. Perhaps it is the realization that there are almost unlimited unknowns in front of me. I have been considering these things for the past few days, and I have come to the realization that I am learning to trust God. I thought that I did trust Him, but I am learning that the more I grow, the more I rely on Him to provide peace, and a road on which to walk. I lean on Him to provide me breath each day, and the motivation to continue and finish well.
I asked myself yesterday, "what does it mean to finish well?" I came to the conclusion that at the end of my life, when I stand before God, I want to hear what it says in Matthew 25:23. "Well done, good and faithful servant." Thats my end goal. Now just how to get there? To be continued...(literally)